No Going Back
by Penn O'Hara
Summary: For Logan Lovers ... The conclusion. 'M' Rated. Carolyn comes home and Logan goes into damage control in a very Loganesque way. ... I rewatched the eppy 'Renewal' with the view to reconcile that story in my Logan'Barek universe, and I think I've done it.
1. Chapter 1

**"No Going Back"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

_**LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six **_**"**_**Renewal**_**"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

_**A/N: I rewatched this ep with the view to reconcile that story in my Logan/Barek universe, and I think I've done it. If you're interested in how, read on…**_

**oOo**

**OnePP was quiet, the detectives' desks empty save a few of the overworked catching up on paperwork. The photocopier swished its last request and the detective returned to his desk, flinging the shut folder onto the growing pile stacked there.**

**A slither and clatter caught Logan's attention and his mouth tightened at the janitor pushing his bucket and mop ahead of him. Logan sighed heavily, his head dropping onto his hand, grappling with the feeling clawing at his gut and pounding in his head.**

**Another first for him.**

**He remembered joking while looking at airport security videos during the Livanski case, that he never thought he'd get tired of looking at women. Tonight, he realized he never thought he'd miss a woman.**

**But he was missing Carolyn now. Although feeling hollow and lethargic, the prospect of going home to their apartment without her in it had kept him working late, long after Wheeler and most of the other detectives had left. He still couldn't muster up any enthusiasm to leave his desk, the work in front of him holding no appeal either.**

**He was missing her.**

_**Shit! **_

**He was more than missing her. He was in serious danger of catching a taxi to the airport and taking the next plane out of New York.**

**And it was barely twelve hours since he saw Carolyn last…**

**oOo**

_**Logan released Carolyn's wrists and let them slide down the full-length mirror at her back. They cut a trail through the condensation that was a combination of the steam from Carolyn's earlier shower and the heat generated by their energetic bodies in the bathroom. He rested his forehead on the mirror's surface, panting slightly, giving his heart time to slow to normal.**_

_**"Next time, your back goes to the mirror, hon," Carolyn whispered. "I'd rather have your buns indelibly imprinted on its surface than mine. I'd like the three-D view too." She flopped her hands onto his shoulders and pressed her face to his chest. **_

_**Logan often enjoyably attacked Carolyn in her shower, which was big enough to accommodate both of them, but today, he slept in and hijacked her after she'd come out of the stall, the flat surface of the wall-to-floor mirror too appealing to Logan to bypass in his current mood.**_

_**He didn't want her to go.**_

_**"That was quite… enervating," Carolyn said, dropping a kiss on his shoulder before ducking out from between his body and the mirror. "Now I know what they mean when they say bones turn to water. What got you going this time?"**_

_**"You know what." He stepped into the shower and dragged her in with him, turning on the faucets. "Don't try to duck it."**_

_**Carolyn shrieked. "Shit! Mike! Turn on some hot!"**_

_**He pulled her to him instead, enveloping her in his heat, letting the cold spray turn to steam as it ricocheted off his back. **_

_**"I…I have to go," she said, her stretching her neck to give his mouth access belying her statement. "It's part of the job. It probably won't be the last time either—"**_

_**"But I don't have to like it," he mumbled against her skin.**_

_**Carolyn smoothed her hands over his flanks, their sliding through the streaming water turning the action into an erotic caress. Logan shuddered, his body responding again.**_

"_**Oh no, you don't." Carolyn laughed, pushing him away. "You don't have to like it, but making me late to the airport won't achieve anything but a reprimand for me." **_

_**Logan watched her step out of the shower and reach for a towel with a sinuous grace that stretched her body and tightened his. **_

"_**Getting fired by the Chief of D's is not the end of the world," he said, forcing the words through a suddenly dry throat. "I should know. I've already been there."**_

"_**And Bradshaw might consider Staten Island a good place for me too."**_

"_**But it has to be more exciting than a five day LEIM conference held in North Carolina, of all places."**_

_**Carolyn dipped her eyes in a coy gesture. "I don't know. Southern gentlemen are so much more…well, gentlemen. It might be fun to be feted as a lady—"**_

_**Slipping out of the shower, Logan grabbed Carolyn and swung her into him. "You want to be feted as a lady by men with good manners or worshipped as a woman by all that my body can give?"**_

_**Carolyn's jaw dropped and her eyes widened. "Hell, when you put it like that—!"**_

_**Logan swooped onto her startled mouth and groaned a tortured declaration of love…**_

**oOo**

**Logan's chest heaved with the rumble of anguish in his throat.**

_**"Fuck!" **_

**Turning his vulnerability into a coarse expletive he slapped shut the file he had been working on and pushed his chair from the desk and headed out. Reliving this morning was making it worse. He wasn't getting any work done, the loneliness weighing him down. He might as well go home, have a few Scotches, have a few more and try to fall asleep. Then he'd only have **_**four**_** more days to get through.**

**oOo**

**Prowling around their apartment, Logan's unwarranted sense of abandonment increased. He threw himself on the sofa, picking up the remote to flip through the channels on the TV. Nothing grabbed his interest, so he threw down the remote in disgust. Thumbing through his CD collection was just as pointless, so he finally went for the liquor collection in the kitchen. One shot of Scotch scorched his throat and left a bitter taste in his mouth, convincing him that was a bad idea too, but he refilled his glass anyway.**

**Succumbing, but hating himself for his weakness, he pulled out his cell and pressed Carolyn's speed dial.**

"**Hi, hon!" she breezed when she answered the call.**

**Logan's shoulders dropped as the tension slid from him at the sound of her voice. "Hey babe."**

"**Missing me yet?" she laughed.**

"**Shit, yeah," he growled into the phone, surprising himself with his honesty. He intended to play it cool, but the sound of her voice drove away all pretence. "Fuck this, Carolyn. I want you here. How sad is that?"**

"**Music to my ears, actually," she said, her breathy voice stirring him.**

"**What am I gonna do? I can't stand it here without you."**

**He heard her chuckle into the phone. "Go hug my pillow."**

**He grunted. "That was the first thing I did," he admitted. "Just made it worse. And I'm not goin' anywhere **_**near**_** the shower after this morning."**

**Carolyn's sigh was long and heavy. "I know what you mean. That was… unsurpassable. Twice."**

**Logan swallowed painfully, deliberately clamping down on the memory.**

"**But you're gonna rival one of your homeless snitches if you don't shower for five days," she joked.**

"**I'm thinkin'…" He took a deep breath, resolve strengthening his voice. "I might go stay at my own apartment. Just while you're gone."**

**She went quiet, as if thinking it through. "Well…I guess…that'd work. It wouldn't be the first time you've used it as a stop-gap. But if you bring back any more of those old ties—"**

"**Hey, I got all of 'em last time!"**

"**That's what I feared. Sorry, hon, I have to go. The boss is ready for our Welcome cocktail party. Bradshaw won't wanna miss it."**

"**You ain't gonna get drunk and fuck him afterwards, are you?" Logan tried to joke, swallowing hard.**

"**I don't think **_**anyone**_** could get **_**that**_** drunk."**

"**What about all the other cops there vyin' for your attention—?"**

"**Hon, I got the best cop there is, waiting for me at home. I'm not gonna— But I gotta go!"**

**Logan scrabbled for some way to keep her talking. Keep her at the other end of his phone, but he couldn't come up with anything more original or compelling than…**

"**I miss you."**

"**I…love…you."**

**The connection was cut and Logan stared at the cell in his hand.**

_**I love you, too.**_

**oOo**

_**tbc…**_


	2. Chapter 2

**"No Going Back"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _****"_Renewal_" **

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Two**

**Heading Carolyn's car toward his old neighborhood, Logan expected it to feel like going home, but no matter how familiar and unchanged everything was, it still couldn't dispel his emptiness. Flipping radio stations, he hit a song Carolyn liked, but which now took on a significance too close to the bone.**

**He found himself following the lyrics of _Broken, _his heart sinking with the words. "'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away…"**

_**Shit, Carolyn! What have you done to me?!**_

**Parking the car, he set out on foot to his old local store intent on organizing his newspaper delivery for the next four days. He waited in line as Guillame attended the customer in front of him, then smiled broadly as the short, balding Italian hailed him.**

**"Michael! Good to see you again! Don't tell me your _bella_ has kicked you out?"**

**"Nothin' like that," Logan assured him. "She's…away…on a… business trip. Thought I might check over my place while she's gone."**

**"Not good, Michael." Guillame shook his head in reproof, folding ham-size arms across a barrel chest. "She should be staying at home making you _bambinos_, not leaving her man for…_bah!...business!"_**

**"Yeah, well, the world's a different place than when you and Anna were startin' out." Guillame and his wife had produced five children and seventeen grandchildren and Logan knew the Italian was proud of their brood.**

**"And a better place."**

**Logan wasn't sure he could argue with the man. "Get your delivery boy to drop me a paper every morning 'till the weekend?"**

**"But of course! Can I help you with anything else?"**

**"Nah. Unless you can speed up time?" Logan asked, more serious than joking.**

**"Son, you gotta it bad," the old Italian sympathetically tutted.**

**Logan lifted a shoulder, his gaze dropping. "Yeah, I guess I have."**

**oOo**

**His feet dragging, Logan followed his old route home, head down, not noticing the dog leash until it was wrapped around his legs.**

**The dog's handler laughingly helped him disengage himself, the both of them only succeeding in making the leather strap more entangled around his body. Her dog didn't help, whining and pulling on its collar, stretching the lead tight and making it immovable.**

**Finally free, Logan accepted the woman's profuse apologies, noting her long hair and fresh face, but more impressed by the hesitant innocence that seemed to regret her imposition on him.**

**"You okay?" she laughed.**

**Logan grinned. "I'll live."**

**"Okay. Sorry…." She turned away. "Marvin! I'm supposed to be walking you!"**

**Resuming his course, Logan would have forgotten the incident and her, but an unexpected jab of insight made him turn around and watch her walk away, her dog pulling strongly at the lead.**

**Her innocence was more than the vulnerability he thought he saw in her face – it was a fragile thing, already fractured, the crack still showing.**

**Logan frowned, but picked up his pace. He was suddenly eager to get home and shower and call Carolyn again. If she was still at the cocktail party, he'd make her ears burn and pant for him. And if she was back in her hotel room he'd wet her panties with what he would say to her.**

**But his old apartment was a huge disappointment. It was devoid of the expected comfortable familiarity, lacking Carolyn's favorite perfume, the oils she liked to burn, the clatter she made as she banged around in the kitchen, and the sound of their mutual choices of music.**

**Logan flipped out his cell, stared at it, then thought better of it, not wanting her to think he was so desperate he couldn't be without her for one night. Showering, he dragged on the sweatpants he'd packed, prowled his apartment, tried the TV then finally gave up and went to bed.**

**Lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, he admitted he was totally pathetic. He felt raw and frustrated and when finally he fell asleep, it was fitful and disturbed by visions of a dark-haired Polish siren who had completely turned his life upside down.**

**oOo**

**The next morning, Logan, dressed once more in his workday suit, lifted the copy of _The New York Times _at his door, his brows knitted. Guillame's delivery boy had been and gone, but got it wrong. The name of Harry Campbell and another apartment number on the label confirmed the mistake and Logan made his way down the corridor to the correct address, a muted dog bark piercing the early morning quiet.**

**Before he could summons the occupant, the door opened and a scuffling behind it confirmed the existence of a large-sized dog within the apartment. Logan's brows lifted as he identified the dog's owner as the woman he'd run into last night.**

**"You scared me…," she said. "Marvin…stay." She fussed with the dog behind her, then smiled brightly at him.**

**"You don't look like Harry Campbell," Logan said, stating the obvious.**

**"Are you friends with the landlord?"**

**"Hate him."**

**"Then I'm Holly," she smiled.**

**"Illegally somebody, huh?" he joked.**

**"Sshh." She grinned, entering the game.**

**Logan was back in his comfort zone, slipping into the light-hearted banter with an attractive woman with which he was so familiar. If there was a slight amount of reticence in him, he could only blame his being out of circulation since taking up with Carolyn.**

**"Yeah, you and half the building," he added, enjoying being a co-conspirator. "I'm Mike. I'm not really a _Times_ kinda guy."**

**The moment suddenly became awkward, with nothing left to say. She was standing at her door in a dressing gown and he had no right flirting with her. He turned, "Ah, see ya," and headed down the steps.**

**Logan couldn't prevent one look back. A mixture of detective's intuition and male protectiveness gave him pause, to consider what it was that grabbed him about this woman. To say she troubled him was inaccurate, it being more an awareness of her tentatively reaching out to him, not sexually, but looking for a friend, maybe a champion.**

**Shrugging off the sensation, he continued on down to the front of the building.**

**oOo**

_**tbc…**_


	3. Chapter 3

**"No Going Back"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _"_Renewal_"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Three**

**It was small and cluttered with dark corners, scuffed floors and tables, dinghy walls and cheap liquor, but it was _Peter J's _and it was home away from home for Logan.**

**Wheeler had promised to meet him there after work but Logan was early, piqued that she remembered his bar. Another aspect of his partner that sneaked up on him and attributed to their feeling so comfortable working together.**

**He'd got through the day with little sleep, a new case and another nasty surprise. Wheeler was being 'borrowed' by a reopened joint task force and he was between partners again. The world was doing its best to throw him on the back foot.**

**Nursing his Scotch, he fought off the urge to call Carolyn. She'd think she was being stalked if he rang her every day, but, to not hear her voice, nor have her parry his sexual enténdres, made the day feel empty and pointless. One hand slipped from his glass and hovered over his coat pocket. Cursing, Logan slapped it back on the counter and occupied his fingers with a drum tattoo on its worn surface.**

**"Howz things?" Pete asked, orbiting back to him from the other end of the bar. "Get you another?"**

**"Nah," Logan dismissed him. "I'll wait for my partner."**

**"Detective Barek? Haven't seen her for…well, for as long as I haven't seen you—"**

**"I moved," Logan said, not elaborating. "And Barek's not my partner anymore."**

**"No kiddin'?! You in better digs now?" Pete scanned the customers in his radius, then rested an elbow on the bar.**

**"You could say that." Carolyn's rent was cheaper than his, but she'd done more with hers in the twelve months of tenancy than he'd done in the decade of living in his dive.**

**"What're you doin' back here then?" Pete asked.**

**"I'm stayin' at the old place…while…um…my girlfriend…" It felt strange to call Carolyn that, when she was so much more, an integral part of his life now. "…is…ah…out of town."**

**Pete slapped a hand on the counter. "You _moved in_ with a woman?! I never thought I'd see the day. She must be somethin'…"**

**"Yeah," Logan nodded, "she is."**

**Pete spied a customer needing his attention and moved off, leaving Logan at a loose end again. Logan's fingers gravitated to his pocket again, the urge to call Carolyn fortified by his talk of her. Detouring, he tipped his Scotch glass on the edge of its base, pivoting it on the counter's surface, in an effort to keep himself occupied.**

**But visions of her with him came unbidden — curled up together on her couch, her snuggled into his side on the bed, naked above him…**

**"_Shit!_"**

**Succumbing, he slipped his phone out and hit the speed dial and waited for her to pick up. Four rings, five… She wasn't going to answer it. He shifted on the barstool, nerves taut, biting his lip. When it went to voice mail, he swore again, snapped the phone shut and downed his drink in one gulp before calling Pete for a refill.**

_**Damn her!**_

**A vibration in his hand had him checking the caller I.D. Carolyn. Good. Let her run after him now.**

**"Hey babe, nice of you to call," he answered, trying to keep the sarcasm from his voice. _Keep it light, Logan. Casual. You don't want to give her the power of knowing what a sap you are. _**

**"…Hey…Hi! Mike? You hung up too soon. I couldn't get to my phone… Whatcha been doing, hon?"**

**He rolled his shoulders. "Nothin' much. Usual stuff. New case, new partner, muh woman won't answer her phone…"**

**"Whoa! Reverse there, big guy. New _partner?! Who?_"**

**"Don't know. Wheeler just broke it to me today. Only temporary. Or so she says."**

**"Aw, gee, Mike…that's too bad. Hang on…"**

**The sounds that came to him were muted — a man's voice but the words were indistinguishable, laughter, Carolyn's voice, more laughter, but Logan couldn't catch the conversation.**

**"I'm back. Sorry."**

**"Who was that?" He tried to keep the edge out of his voice, but failed.**

**"Who…? Just one of the guys here."**

**"Bradshaw?" _Could he actually be jealous of that jerk?_**

**"Nuh…we're all heading toward our rooms."**

**"You in for the night then?" Hopefully, she would lie in bed, unable to sleep, and think of him. Miss _him._**

**"No, just changing into my glad rags. Another shindig to endure—"**

**"Endure?"**

**"You think I like these shallow affairs?"**

**"I wouldn't know, would I?" The petulance was there and Logan was too tired and irritable to disguise it.**

**"Hey, hon. I'm loving your insecurity and maybe jealousy here, but there's no need—"**

**"I am _not_ insecure, and why would I be jealous?" he gritted.**

**"No reason. You just sounded—"**

**"I'm okay, all right?"**

**Logan heard a deep voice in the background, coming through his cell.**

**"Behave!" Carolyn laughed and Logan knew she wasn't talking to him. His mouth thinned, his hand tightening on the phone.**

**"Where are you now, hon?" she asked, her voice strong in his ear again.**

**"At Peter J's. I'm waitin' for Wheeler. She was gonna buy me a drink. Ease her conscience for dumpin' me, I figure."**

**He kept it light, but he was seething inside. He didn't know what she was doing, who she was with, or even where she was. The LEIM Conference was being held in Greensboro, North Carolina, this year, its focus on Identity Theft, and Bradshaw and Carolyn were being put up at the same hotel, but was she there now? If she wasn't with Bradshaw, then who?**

**"That's nice. Um…Mike…Is there anything you wanted to talk about in particular? If not, I should go—"**

_**Yes! What's the hurry? Why are you trying to get rid of me? **_

**He wanted to listen to her voice. He wanted her to assure him there was nothing to worry about. He wanted her to tell him she wished he was there as badly as he wished she was here.**

**"Nah…I gotta go too. Wheeler's come in," he lied. "See ya, Carolyn."**

**"Logan!" Her command arrested his disconnecting and he felt peevish and resentful without knowing why.**

**"What?" he asked tersely.**

**"I love you, you hear?" she softly said and so sincerely he couldn't _not_ believe her.**

**His heart swelled a little. "Yeah, I hear."**

**He hung up and tossed his cell on the counter. It jumped and skidded with the vibrations of another call.**

**"Yeah?" he snapped, not even looking at the caller I.D.**

**"Bit testy, aren't we, Logan?" Wheeler answered. "You still haven't forgiven me? I don't have a choice, you know."**

**"Huh? Nah. Sorry. I'm just… tired."**

**"You at P.J.'s yet?"**

**"Yeah, I'm here!" _Where else would I be?_**

**"Well, I'm sorry but I can't make it."**

**"Well, don't worry about it, Wheeler. I'll see ya tomorrow." _Great. Another letdown._**

**"You sure?"**

**"Yeah, no worries."**

**"I'm sorry…"**

**"Okay." He snapped his cell shut, even more irritated, and took a swig of his fresh Scotch. Nothing was going right for him today.**

**"Hi…"**

**Logan turned. The woman subletting Harry Campbell's apartment was standing close by, watching him. "Hey!"**

**She tipped her head to the side, in apology. "I saw you through the window. You left your paper this morning." She held it tightly against her.**

**He jumped to his feet. "Ah, I'm sorry." Everyone was sorry suddenly. "I was distracted." By mixed newspapers, absent girlfriends and friendly neighbors. "Look… lemme, lemme get you a drink for your trouble." He was floundering and couldn't understand it. "Scotch?"**

**She nodded.**

**"Pete! Give her a scotch and you can freshen mine up." Something to take the sharp edge off him.**

**"Thanks," she said, settling onto a stool.**

**Logan cleared his throat, not quite knowing what to say. "So… well…" He lifted his glass. "Here's to you…Harry Campbell."**

**They laughed and Logan's unease dissolved. There was no harm being here with her. It was no different than if Wheeler had met with him as promised.**

**"It's Holly," she smiled. "…Lauren."**

**"Hmm. Holly." He sized her up, making a guess at her origins — if you weren't a native of New York, you stood out a mile. "Well, you're not dressed in all black yet," he mused. "You've been in the city…'bout what? Two months? You must be from a small town in the mid-west."**

**She inclined her head. "Minnesota. I'm impressed."**

**"You should've made me. I'm a cop." Logan was used to mixed reactions to his occupation.**

**"I know. Mike Logan. Major Case. I looked you up."**

**"Oh?" That threw him, that she'd taken the time and trouble to investigate him. It worried him a little, too.**

**"So I'd know who was down the hall," she added.**

**A reasonable enough explanation, so he let it pass.**

**"I feel safe already," she said, smiling.**

**And Logan felt a little less lonely.**

**oOo**

_**tbc…**_


	4. Chapter 4

**"No Going Back"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _"_Renewal_"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Four**

**Making their way laboriously up the stairs toward their apartments, Logan kept the mood with Holly light and friendly as he had all evening. They'd stayed at _Peter J's_ some four hours and both had a little too much to drink, but Logan had enjoyed the company and was surprised by his feeling of connection with Holly, fed more by shared hidden scars than anything openly obvious.**

**"I don't know what happiness is," she had said, and he guessed there was something in her life which had taken the joy out of her.**

**As they stood in the corridor between their apartments, he jokingly offered to walk her home, eliciting the expected reaction to his quip.**

**"Please," she laughed, and he promenaded her to her door.**

**"So…" she said quietly, leaving the moment hovering as if reluctant to leave him.**

**Logan was ambivalent too, not wanting to retreat back to the emptiness of his apartment, but knowing there was nothing more between them and nowhere else to take their newly found friendship. "Well…" he began, "gotta work at seven."**

**She nodded. "G'night, Logan."**

**"Okay," he sighed.**

**He started to walk backward toward his door, then stopped. He hadn't been honest with her and he knew that he couldn't let her think there could be something more between them. He should have been upfront from the start. She deserved to know about Carolyn, but Logan needed a sober head to tell her gently, in a way she wouldn't feel he had deliberately misled her about his availability.**

**"Holly…" _I need to talk to you again._ "Can I see you again? Tomorrow night?"**

**Her delight was a balm to his misguided sense of abandonment. "At Peter J's. At eight."**

**He held up his thumb, pleased with his victory, knowing he could now sleep with a clear conscience.**

**He saw a shadow pass over her face and caught a glimpse of her own loneliness and a hurt that was raw and deep and somehow shocking. That fracture he'd glimpsed yesterday was cutting cruelly into the happiness she admitted to finding so elusive.**

**He went to her; to hold her hands, hug her, tell her it would be all right, but instead, their lips met and clung and Logan found himself offering her the comfort of a more intimate embrace. A little out of control, he kissed her again, then pulled away, confused and shaken.**

**"I'm happy to know you, Mike Logan," she said softly.**

**She kissed him again before moving back to her door, looking pleased with him and herself.**

**Logan took several steps backward, needing and instinctively finding the support of the wall beside his door. He had no idea what happened, but he knew he would meet her again, at _Peter J_'s as promised.**

**But nothing more would come of it. No more comforting. Just companionship and an open ear. She had a hard story to share, he was sure of it, a wound to expose and heal, and he would listen and help her.**

**But that's as far as it would go.**

**He liked Holly, but he loved Carolyn.**

**oOo**

**Winding the towel around his hips as he left his bathroom, Logan grabbed his cell from the dresser and dialed Carolyn, rehearsing again what he would say to her. He'd spent an overlong shower coming up with several scenarios and speeches and hoped he'd hit upon the right one. The best one.**

**Her phone went to voice mail again, but this time Logan redialed, demanding she pick up.**

**"Unhh…Mike?" Carolyn yawned loudly. "Whaaa… It's late… No, it's early in the morning. Too early."**

**"Carolyn…"**

**His speech flew to the winds at the sound of her voice, presented with reality. What could he say? That he'd just kissed another woman and agreed to meet her again? Who was he kidding?**

**"I…I wanted to talk…" he mumbled.**

**"Can't it wait, hon? I've got…geezus, is that the time? I've an early start tomorrow…"**

**"No! I…" _Shit! _He tried again. "I wanted to tell you…"**

**"Hmmm?"**

**"I…I love you…"**

**"I love you too, hon." He could almost hear her smiling at the way his declarations always seemed dragged out of him. "You know I do. Nothing's changed."**

**The silence hung between them.**

**"Has it?" she asked, caution creeping across the gap of miles.**

**Logan went on instant alert. "No!"**

**"Then what? I gotta get some sleep." She made a sound, a soft and sensual purr that stirred him. "I was dreaming of you, hunk."**

**_Yeah, right. _"It's okay," he said. "Don't worry about it."**

**"Mike. Tell me. I'm awake now and I won't sleep if you don't—"**

**"I was with a woman," he blurted, then realized how that sounded. "In Peter J's. We had a drink together. That's all, but…"**

**There was no sound on the other end, but Logan knew he finally had Carolyn's undivided attention.**

**"I just wanted you to know," he said. "We talked…" _And kissed. _But he wasn't so stupid to tell her about the kiss. "And I agreed to meet her again. Tomorrow. At the bar again."**

**"To talk." Carolyn sounded calm, but wary.**

**"Yeah."**

**"Does she know? About me?"**

**Logan knew he was digging his grave, but Carolyn deserved his honesty.**

**"_Mike!"_**

**"Not…not yet. That's why I agreed to meet her again. To tell her."**

**"Mike! Men do _not_ make second dates to tell a woman about their live-in girlfriend! They make second dates to get laid! Or has that already happened?"**

**"_No!"_**

**"I can't leave town for one night before you're bed-hopping—"**

**"_Carolyn!_ I was not—!" He took a deep breath. "Nothing happened. The only woman I want to bed is half-way across the country!"**

**"Well, I'm sorry! It's my job!"**

**"Carolyn…" He tried to find a calm haven for both of them.**

**"What did you talk about?"**

**"Um…er…happiness…" It sounded lame even to Logan's own ears.**

**"_Happiness… _What? You didn't tell her about me, so you were telling her how happy you were being a free agent and highly available, free to screw—"**

**"No! _She's_ unhappy. I could tell—"**

**"So you consoled her…" Carolyn made a frustrated sound that was a cross between a scream and a groan. "_Better still_."**

**"I didn't. We talked." Logan couldn't bring the conviction to his voice. That damned kiss hovered in the air, tainting every explanation. "Carolyn! Stop this! Where's that level head of yours? The one that keeps _me_ cool and focused."**

**The explosions stopped, the cease-fire at the other end weighing heavily between them. Logan finally heard a huge sigh.**

**"Mike…I'm sorry. You're right. I'm over-reacting. But, hell, Mike, my guy's a hundred miles away from me, sitting in a bar with a woman I don't know, talking about… happiness!"**

**"And my woman's a hundred miles away partyin' with men I don't know, talkin' about…well, I _know_ what men talk about. Worse still, I know what they think about and it scares the shit out of me."**

**Carolyn sighed again. "Point taken. This love stuff hurts, doesn't it?"**

**Logan relaxed a little, lying back on the bed and stretching an arm up behind his head. "Yeah, it does. You gonna trust me now? Want me to tell you what I'm wearin?"**

**"Yeah, I trust you. And I can guess you're not wearing much."**

**He could hear her mellowing. Hell, his body could _feel_ her presence stroking him.**

**"But, Mike? Stay away from this woman...okay?"**

**Logan swallowed hard, rolling onto his side. "I promised to meet her again, Carolyn. It's not a promise I can break."**

**"Mike…"**

**"I'll just meet with her and go. Tell her I'm with somebody—"**

**"Look, you do what you gotta do. I'm gonna get some sleep."**

**She cut the connection with a snap that jarred him and boiled his blood. **

**A hell of a way to end a conversation with the man you professed to love.**

_**tbc…**_


	5. Chapter 5

**"No Going Back"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _"_Renewal_"**

**oOo**

**Chapter Five**

**The playground in Tribeca Park was a busy mix of children shouting, dogs barking and mothers admonishing their brood, in a variety of shades of anxious, annoyed and bored.**

**Logan was barely aware of them as he thought again of how Carolyn had hung up on him last night. He had done no more than she would be doing after her conference, a tedious affair by day, with the attendees taking full advantage of the hotel facilities by night.**

**"Logan."**

**_But did she kiss one of __her colleagues, like you kissed Holly?_**

**Logan trusted her, but if he suspected she had kissed one of them, he would take a flight out of New York and rip out the guy's heart and stuff it into his mouth. Double standard or not.**

**"_Logan!"_**

**Wheeler's voice pierced his reverie and he dragged his attention back to the job.**

**"Yeah…" he said, rushing toward her as she hailed him from the edge of the playground.**

**"Two moms here say that woman had a nanny named Belle Duffy…"**

**oOo**

**The day had been long, but that was part of the job. There were never enough hours in the day, nor too many pavements to beat. Ross and Wheeler decided their next step was to investigate who was cashing in Belle Duffy's checks and Wheeler wanted to do it now but Logan was impatient to be gone. It was nearly eight, and he intended to meet with Holly as planned.**

**"Wheeler, I gotta meet somebody," he said with an apologetic shrug.**

**Logan got out of there before Megan could question him, not wanting to get into an explanation about why he was meeting another woman while Carolyn was away. He was running out of time, and he was concerned Holly would think he let her down.**

**Hurrying into the bar, Logan looked around anxiously. Holly was nowhere to be seen, but he pressed on further, checking all the darkened corners and tables. Giving up, he took a place at the bar and the barman materialized to take his order.**

**"Scotch…" Pete said, making a tipping gesture with his hand, "…or Scotch."**

**"Pete, you see that lady I was with yesterday night?" Logan asked.**

**"No, I wish I had."**

**Logan drummed his fingers on the counter, unsure what to do next. "Scotch," he acceded, blowing air through his mouth in defeat. Seems _he _was the one who'd been stood up. He accepted his drink and settled in to wait, ignoring the phone in his pocket and the strong urge to call Carolyn.**

**oOo**

**After giving Holly an hour to show up, Logan settled his account with Pete and left the bar. He consoled himself with the thought that she'd saved him the trouble of trying to explain his actions last night and could honestly report to Carolyn that nothing had happened.**

**His steps slowed as he approached his building, seeing a tight circle of onlookers milling around, animatedly talking.**

**"Is she alive?" someone asked. "Looks pretty bad."**

**Logan's senses sharpened as he came on full alert. Hurrying his steps, he dragged his badge out of his pocket and attached it to his leather coat.**

**"Excuse me," he said as he hurried toward the small crowd. "Excuse me. I'm a police officer. Excuse me." He pushed his way through the onlookers to see a body dressed in white sprawled upon the pavement. Its surface dipped and dived under him, his knees buckling as Logan recognized her.**

**He couldn't believe his eyes. Hunkering down beside the body, his stomach heaved as the world spun around him in slow motion. "This can't be happening. Oh, Holly. Holly." He bowed his head in deep regret, unable or unwilling to move until approaching local detectives roused him. He dashed away tears of despair for this tragic waste of innocent life.**

**The rest of the evening was a blur to him. He recognized Barry, one of the attending detectives, but the other was unknown to him, though he remembered his being obnoxious and insulting. He recalled resisting Barry's trying to fob him off and send him home and blowing up at something his partner said and needing to be restrained, but the sight of Holly's body, broken and bleeding on the pavement was etched indelibly in his mind.**

**He would always remember that.**

**Someone gave him the leash of Holly's dog and he walked Marvin home. But why had the dog been there on a leash, if Holly had gone from the roof? Numbly letting himself into his apartment, Logan settled the dog, then slumped onto his couch, his shoulders bowed.**

**He had no idea how long he sat there, disturbed only by the Pink Floyd rip on his cell phone. He fumbled for it, realizing he was still in his leather coat and had to go through two layers to find it. By the time he flipped it open, the caller had hung up.**

**Carolyn.**

**Ineptly thumbing through the options, he tried to pull up her number to call back. Before he could find her speed dial, her caller I.D. came through again.**

**"H…Hell…o," he whispered, his voice cracking.**

**"What took you so long? Or shouldn't I ask?" Carolyn snapped. "I gave you till ten to meet with the woman and give her the brush-off and get home, thinking you would call me, but you didn't—"**

**"Wh…What time…is it?" he choked, barely following her tirade.**

**"I told you. It's just after ten. Where are you? Or don't I want to know? If you're still with that woman, God help me—"**

**"She's…she's dead." It was all he could think of.**

**"What?" He heard her take a breath. "Who's dead?"**

**Her question punched through the fog as it lifted from his brain. "Holly."**

**"Damn you, Mike. Who the hell is Holly? You still haven't answered me. Where are—"**

**He needed to tell someone. He needed to tell Carolyn and expunge the horror of it. "I was at the bar. Waiting for her. She didn't show. She's dead. My God, Carolyn!" he gasped, leaning forward over his knees. "She's dead!"**

**"Mike? Oh, hon. I'm sorry." His distress must have finally got through to her. "What happened?"**

**"They say…she jumped. From the roof. From our fucking roof!"**

**"Do you know why?"**

**He shook his head numbly, not thinking she wouldn't see the gesture. "She was— There was something there…but I never... God, babe, I need you."**

**"I know, hon. I know. I can't see how I can— I'll talk to Bradshaw. I'll wake him up if I have to—"**

**Logan pulled himself up and stretched back on the couch, swiping his face with the palm of his hand as he lay his head against its back. He was wallowing in emotion and he had no right to drag her back for this.**

**"No…it's all right. I'll be fine."**

**There was silence at the other end, then Carolyn's voice came back quietly. "She meant a lot to you, Mike? So soon? She must have been…special."**

**Squeezing his eyes shut, he took a deep breath. "We talked, Carolyn. We shared a connection, but it wasn't a sexual thing."**

**"I think I understand. I'm sorry I was so quick to accuse—"**

**"Hell, I would have done the same. Worse."**

**She chuckled. "Yeah. I think you would. I can still talk to Bradshaw—"**

**"No. Maybe…maybe I can even try and find out what happened. I don't believe… She must have been pushed, Carolyn. And I wanna know who did it."**

**"I understand, Mike, but the local detectives would be involved already. You should let them do their job."**

**"I can follow up."**

**"Yeah, you can do that, hon. You get some sleep, okay?"**

**"I will. I feel…better…just talkin' to you." He was surprised that she had so quickly brought him around and centered him.**

**He vowed to do right by Holly and follow through the investigation, but God help the bastard responsible when he got his hands on him.**

**oOo**

_**tbc…**_


	6. Chapter 6

**"No Going Back"**

**_Copyright 2008__ Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _"_Renewal_"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Six**

_**Kathleen Shaw**_

**The two words were burned in front of Logan's eyes.**

_**Kathleen Shaw!**_

**Holly had more to hide than an abortive search for happiness, reinforcing Logan's conviction that she had met her death by another's hand.**

**Marvin dragged him back home from the Mailbox outlet and Logan immediately contacted Major Case's resident geek, getting him off his gaming computer to track down Holly's past life. Using the senders' details on the back of the collected mail, Logan discovered his Kathleen Shaw was from Chicago, divorced, a successful singer and outlived by her father. The most useful information he gleaned was that the divorce was messy, the ex-husband violent and she had given up her career to hide from him.**

_**I wish you had trusted me, Holly. I could have helped you.**_

**Hanging up from his call to Ira, Logan realized it was nearly midnight. Checking both phones for messages produced nothing and a 'call waiting' hadn't come through on his cell. He and Carolyn hadn't agreed to call each other every night, but Logan realized he missed hearing her voice today, so completely had he become dependent on her presence in his life.**

**_You're a __schmuck, Logan. Get over it. _**

**He headed for the bedroom and the shower beyond, discarding clothes as he went, relieved he could leave them where they fell. No finicky female to remind him to pick them up and put them in the hamper. But the last thing he did before turning on the shower was place his cell on the basin's edge where he was sure to hear it over the sound of running water.**

**It never rang and Logan went to bed that night irritable and restless.**

**oOo**

**Rolling over on the bed and taking the twisted sheets with him, Logan stared balefully at his cell phone. He'd lain awake until one, flipping channels on the TV in his bedroom, then finally gave up, swapping the boredom of the idiot box with that of tossing and turning on the cold bed.**

**Scrubbing a hand down his face, he reached for the phone, not holding out much hope but checking the cell's face for a sign she had left a message. The American flag wallpaper was devoid of waiting icons.**

_**Shit!**_

**Squeezing the phone in his palm, he resisted the urge to call her. Given the time difference, she would be up and about and probably in the middle of something her boss would consider important.**

**Gritting his teeth, he flipped up the lid and gazed at her likeness on the inner wallpaper, cursing himself for doing it. Although it was only a head and shoulders shot, Logan had taken this photo while Carolyn was naked on the bed, her hair splayed about her, eyes gleaming up at him and mouth framed to blow him a kiss.**

**Growling, he rolled over on the bed, and gazed at the photo, feeling horny and frustrated.**

**Logan had a feeling today wasn't going to be a good day.**

**oOo**

**Aware his temper was rising, Logan couldn't bank it down.**

**Surrounded by officers of his local precinct and in the locker room of their home turf, Logan was already at a disadvantage. He had no right to be there, except that he had taken on Holly's cause — he still couldn't think of her as _Kathleen_ — and these detectives weren't taking him seriously.**

**It wasn't his place to tell them how to do their job, but he had information upon which they could act and they didn't seem impressed. Frustration found its peak in Logan's laxly leashed temper and he was ready to fight bear to be heard.**

**The attitude of Barry's smart-ass partner was grating on his nerves. After treating Logan with undisguised insolence, the man swaggered to the door of the locker room and turned back, his mouth in a sneer.**

**"Logan…what is it with you and this girl? What were you…banging her or something?" he tossed over his shoulder and Logan saw red.**

**"_Shuddup!" _Logan hollered and lunged for him.**

**He wanted to get a hand around the detective's throat and a fist into his mouth, to stop the words and prevent more insults sullying Holly's memory. She didn't deserve her fate in life and she didn't deserve this man's accusations in death.**

**His charge was slowed but not stopped, Logan managing a compromise by sinking a fist into the man's throat before hands dragged him off the detective. They skidded back across the floor and slammed up hard against the lockers but Logan didn't feel a thing, still snarling at the detective as the man shook himself down and straightened his clothes. The sneer wasn't so cocky anymore and wavered on his lips as he jerked his chin at Logan and left.**

**Seething, Logan bunched his muscles to follow, but Barry counteracted with another shove against the locker.**

**"What's got into you, Mike?"**

**Swiping the sweat from his upper lip with the back of his hand, Logan shook his head clear of the rage and forced his muscles to relax. Barry waited, then let him go and Logan pulled himself up to his full height.**

**"I…gotta go see the M.E.," Logan said, foregoing an explanation. If Barry and his partner weren't prepared to see this through, he damned well would.**

**oOo**

**Entering the M.E.'s examination room, Logan prepared himself for what he would see.**

**Being intellectually aware it was only a vessel and not a person always worked before for him, but the sight of Holly's body on the slab, stitched in the M.E.'s signature 'Y', still floored his heart and turned his stomach. He reached out and grabbed the metal bench nearby, its cool surface grounding him a little.**

**Rogers' voice seemed to hover and ebb around him as he walked around the body, her words falling upon his ears, the information drifting into his brain, forming a picture he didn't want to see. _...semen in her vaginal vault and rectum… extremely high blood pressure… difference between consensual and forced consensual… _**

**His own replies clashed with hers as he tried to make sense of what happened through a fog of horror. _... ripped a hole in her aorta, her kidneys… she has sex, her blood pressure spikes, then she goes off the roof…_**

**The fog thickened, despair for this senseless waste of life leadening his shoulders. Logan collapsed onto a stool at Holly's head, her serene expression wavering through the unshed tears in his eyes.**

**Unable to look at the doctor, his gaze kept returning to Holly's face. "I just have one more favor to ask you of you, Rogers," he said, his voice breaking, thick with emotion. "I'm wondering if you could, uh… I want you to call those detectives that caught this case…"**

**"I already did," she said, confusion coloring her voice. "Just before they got off their shift. They thanked me for my due diligence."**

**Logan nodded, his mouth twisting, recognizing Detective Asshole's catch-phrase. "Yeah…"**

**Aware that Rogers was watching him, he shook his head clear and pushed his body from the stool. "Thanks, Rogers," was all the explanation he gave her, grateful she seemed to accept his grief without plying him with questions.**

**He palmed his cell phone as he left the M.E.'s building and walked into the sunshine and bustle of an unaware city.**

**Carolyn let his call ring out, but he redialed. It almost rang out again before she picked up, panting slightly. Logan leaned back against the warm brick of the building and stared up at the dirty blue haze above him, eyes squinting painfully against the glare.**

**"Sorry, Mike, I wasn't in a position to take a call," she said quickly. "I scampered out amid disapproving glares but I had a feeling this would be important."**

**"Thanks, babe." He cleared his throat and sighed. "It is." Suddenly, having nothing to say, he realized he just wanted to hear her voice. If this was love, he was deep into it.**

**"I'm missing you, hon," Carolyn said into the gap. "We're half-way through. Only a few more days to go."**

**"You didn't call last night," he said, then bit his lip. The last thing he wanted was for her to think he was checking up on her.**

**"I was exhausted. Boredom can be just as tiring as physical exertion. Were you worried?"**

**"I was…busy. I didn't notice. 'til now." _Liar! _He blinked away the last vestiges of wetness in his eyes, exasperation escaping through his teeth.**

**"Something's wrong, hon. I can tell."**

**He nodded, but still couldn't put it into words.**

**"Do you want me to shut up or talk? I can do either."**

**Logan swallowed hard. "Just…just tell me…"**

**"I love you, Mike," she said quickly. "You know I do."**

**He was amazed at how the simple words made his heart swell and spirit soar out of the pall that had settled around him. A hurrying pedestrian knocked his elbow, jarring the phone against his jaw. "Fuck! Carolyn… I gotta go. Wheeler's waitin'…"**

**"Did I help?" She sounded disappointed, balming his confusion by fueling his sense of being important to her.**

**"Yeah, babe. You helped. A lot."**

**oOo**

_**tbc…**_


	7. Chapter 7

**"No Going Back"**

**_Copyright 2008__ Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _"_Renewal_"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Seven**

**Carolyn didn't call that night, and Logan didn't disturb her. It was enough that he'd briefly spoken to her after he left the M.E.'s office. He couldn't explain why he had broken down like that, and a conversation with Carolyn may have forced him to put into words something he couldn't even put into thoughts.**

**But tossing in bed, sleep eluded him. He saw again the vulnerable tremble of Holly's mouth, the tentative hope in her eyes which he had interpreted as interest in him and now knew to be optimism that she might, this time, call a man, 'friend' instead of 'abuser'.**

**_...semen in her vaginal vault and rectum… _She'd been brutalized.**

**…_extremely high blood pressure…_ The stress of running from her ex-husband to a city that still couldn't hide her had ripped at her heart.**

**…_difference between consensual and forced consensual… _Logan would bet his next month's pay that Julian Shaw was to blame for this and, ex-husband or not, it had been rape.**

**Logan submerged his instinctive disgust in order to resurface the hard-headed detective. To serve Holly best, he put aside his uncharacteristic distress over her death and honed his determination to solve her murder.**

**The day panned out better than he hoped.**

**The Kenny Li case was moving along now that they established that Belle Duffy was in fact, Patti Trebay. The information went a long way toward forming motive and opening new leads.**

**Ross' calling him into his office was unexpected but a minor setback. Logan didn't give a rat's ass that the Captain of his local precinct had his eye on him, but it gave Logan the opening to extract permission to pursue Holly's murder case on his own. It was all the green light he needed.**

**He grinned to himself as he left Ross' office. Blowing up like that — "_I'm not over-reacting!" _— hadn't necessarily put Ross in his place but merely reinforced Logan as a force with which to be reckoned.**

**All in all it was a productive morning. He was off the Kenny Li case and given carte blanche to pursue Holly's killer, a reconnoiter of Holly's apartment produced some interesting phone messages from her estranged husband and a heavy-handed 'interrogation' of a peeping tom provided Logan with more insight into what went down the night of Holly's death.**

**Julian Shaw was in town. He raped his wife and, if _he _didn't actually push her off the roof to shut her up, he certainly was the cause of her going over.**

**Armed with Holly's cell phone and Shaw's number from her answering machine, Logan sent Julian an invitation he couldn't refuse.**

**oOo**

**A few minutes after ten that night, Logan looked out of Holly's window, mentally readying himself for his encounter with her ex-husband. A scrape in the lock and a push at the door heralded Justin Shaw's entry into Logan's little trap.**

**Logan let Shaw switch on the lights in Holly's darkened apartment.**

**"Hey, Julian," he said, straightening from the sink on which he had been leaning.**

**"Who are you?" Julian asked, stopping short.**

**Waving his badge at the man, Logan sized him up with dislike. It was Shaw's fault that Holly was lying in the morgue and had been afraid for her sanity, if not her life. Shaw had abused and humiliated her, using brute force to subdue her. The guy looked like he had a short fuse, and Logan fully intended to use that to his advantage. He would take him down, the harder the better, and a little friendly baiting would help him get him there.**

**Logan stood, twirling his silver ring around his finger, waiting for Julian's next move.**

**"Don't tell me she called the police?" Shaw jeered, his chin jerking in disbelief.**

**"No, I got a witness… he says he saw what you did to Kathleen last week." Logan spoke matter-of-factly, cop to suspect, facts put forward, no arguments accepted.**

**"Get out of our apartment." Shaw wasn't having any of it.**

**Gloves off, Logan moved closer. "Her apartment…" He scratched his nose, and took another step. "My witness says that you… forced her to have sex with you."**

**Julian baulked, but not for long. "Listen, I would never hurt my wife. I've devoted my entire life to her."**

**Logan's brows rose in disbelief. "I've read her phone records after your divorce. You were calling her forty, fifty times a day," he said, moving in for the kill. "I don't call that devotion. I call that stalking."**

**"If she's so afraid of me," Shaw bluffed it out, "why hasn't she taken out one of those protection orders?"**

**"She didn't want to provoke you."**

**"Ahhhh…" Shaw closed the gap, his mouth spreading into a dawning grin. "Oh, I get it … you're sleepin' with Kathleen!"**

**The trap was about to close.**

**"Yeah, that's right," Logan taunted. "Every chance we get."**

**Shaw couldn't resist. "That whore!" He lunged as Logan knew he would.**

**Intercepting Julian's right hook, Logan went for his throat, pinning him with both hands hard against the wall, then swinging him around and slamming his face into it. Drawing his gun, Logan cocked the trigger, itching for the other man to give him a good excuse to send the bullet on its way.**

**Shaw froze. 'Okay," he gasped.**

**"Okay?" Logan said, his voice calm and in control. He blinked rapidly, the only outward sign that the adrenalin was coursing through him. Excitement that he had this man at his mercy bubbled through his veins.**

**"She feels safe living next to a cop," Logan said, wrestling with his disgust and the compulsion to torture this man with a few moves that cops knew but couldn't admit to. "And now…"**

**Logan raised his gun higher, aiming point blank at Shaw's brain. Silver shards of light stabbed at his eyes; the anticipation and urge to pull the trigger was a high almost too strong to resist.**

**_I feel safe already, _Holly had told him**

**These were not the actions of someone with whom Holly would feel safe.**

**Reining back on his lust for blood, Logan buttoned down his urges and relaxed his wrist. The impetus gone, he stowed his gun and went for his cuffs instead.**

**"You're under arrest."**

**"For what?" Shaw was nearly blubbering with fright. "For throwing a punch at you?" he sneered.**

**"For killing Kathleen." Logan's voice was deadly.**

**"For what?"**

**Logan heard the confusion amid the fear. The man really didn't know what he'd done. "You heard me."**

**"What? Where is she?"**

**Logan dragged Shaw from the wall, sealing the cuffs on his wrists before shoving him toward the front door. He gritted through his next words. "Gone. _What…did…you…think… would happen?!"_**

**oOo**

**After an arrest, he usually felt a quiet triumph and sense of closure, releasing him from churning his mind over the facts and allowing him to move onto the next case.**

**But there was no triumph in hauling Shaw down the steps of his apartment building and handing him over to the uniformed cops. After Logan bundled Shaw into the back of the police vehicle, he stepped away from the curb, staring at a man who was not a killer, but nothing more than a bully, making Holly's death seem even more futile.**

**It left a bitter taste in his mouth that only one person could erase.**

**Logan took the stairs up to his apartment as fast as he could, phone to his ear, waiting for Carolyn to pick up.**

**No answer. He tried again as he entered his apartment and took off his coat. Getting voice mail for a third time, he pulled out his wallet and slipped out the small card with the name and phone number of the hotel at which they were staying. At his request, the hotel desk tried the room phone for him but there was no response. Feeling uneasy, Logan insisted the desk clerk send someone to check her room and call him back.**

**"When you call back you ask for _Detective_ Mike Logan," he said, using his title without qualm for effect, "and you do it a.s.a.p. You got that?"**

**Logan kicked his heels for the next ten minutes, finding no food nor drink in the place, save water from the faucet. He always relied on Carolyn to stock the fridge for them. In fact, he relied on her to make a home for them and right now, that's what he needed most.**

**Patience fraying, he snatched at his cell when it finally rang.**

**"Detective Logan, please," demanded the crisp voice.**

**"Speaking. Did you get her?"**

**"Ms Barek is not in her room."**

_**Damn! That's what he feared.**_

**"Is there a…a…function still going on in the hotel?"**

**"No, sir, all conference events have finished for the day. The guests have the evening off."**

**Thinking fast, he didn't want the desk clerk to dismiss him so easily. "Put me through to Chief of Detectives Bradshaw's room…"**

**"I'll just check that he doesn't have a 'Do Not Disturb'—"**

**"I don't give a rat's ass if he wants to be disturbed or—!"**

**"Putting you through, sir." The connection went silent, then Logan heard the Chief of D's voice in his ear.**

**"This is Bradshaw," he said gruffly, with undisguised patience.**

**Logan cared even less about disturbing him. "Chief? Detective Mike Logan, Major Case. I'm trying to get a hold of Carolyn," he rushed. "She's not in her room. Is she with you?" S_he'd better not be in your room._**

**"Barek? Here? No…she and a couple of the others…went out. We finished early after dinner. They were going to check out the night life…"**

**"The night…!?" Logan spluttered. She was hitting the town with other men?**

**"Don't worry, Detective. They'll be back soon. Greensboro doesn't offer that much in excitement."**

**Unless they made their own excitement.**

**Logan's lip curled on the thought. "Uh, right. Uh, thanks. 'Night, Chief." He hung up before Bradshaw could question why Logan was calling him. Carolyn didn't go anywhere without her phone. None of them did. It was a tool of the trade. For her to be not answering, meant she _chose_ not to answer.**

**"_Shit!" _Logan tossed his cell at the coffee table and threw himself onto the couch beside it. Running both hands through his hair, he leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes.**

_**Dial it back, Logan.**_

**Just because she chose to go out for the evening — it was nothing to do with him. They were just letting off steam. After the tedium of the day's conference. The crunch of it was that Logan knew how some detectives let their hair down.**

_**You can't do anything**_

**He seriously considered jumping a red eye to Greensboro. If there was one.**

**The small victory he'd felt in apprehending Julian Shaw shriveled in the torture of not knowing where Carolyn was and what she was doing.**

**"_Fuck!" _He launched himself from his couch and grabbed his phone and coat on the way to the door. He hoped Pete had plenty of scotch under the counter tonight. Logan fully intended to tap his source to find out.**

**oOo**

_**tbc…**_


	8. Chapter 8

**"No Going Back"**

**_Copyright 2008__ Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _"_Renewal_"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Eight**

**Logan wondered if coming back to _Peter J's_ was such a good idea.**

**He couldn't prevent gravitating to the counter where he and Holly sat. He even quickly glanced at the booth they shared later, thinking back to the stories they had swapped there.**

_**I got him for you, Holly.**_

**"The victims. The dead… they don't haunt you?" she asked him and he told her about Lennie Briscoe. He agreed with her that the world was bound to break your heart. Eventually. And that's what happened to Holly.**

**Logan shifted on the barstool, its hard edges suddenly digging into him.**

_**Don't you break my heart, Barek! I couldn't—**_

**His phone rang and he fumbled at his coat to answer it quickly. Fingers trembling, he got the lid up and pressed it to his ear.**

**"Hey, hon! I hear you've been checking up on me. Bradshaw—"**

**"Where've you been!?" Logan snapped at her, then hissed in a breath. _You have no right, Logan. No right._**

**"Ah, we tried one of the local pubs for a change of scenery, but it was Dullsville. Why? Were you jealous?"**

**"Shit, Carolyn, don't jerk me around. This is hard enough—"**

**"Sorry, Mike. I thought you'd be okay—"**

**"Yeah, well I'm not_." I want you here, babe. I want you in my arms, in my bed… not some other man's…_**

**"Ahhhh... Given the distance between us, and the fact that I can't do anything about it, I'm gonna change the subject. So… how're you doing with the attending D's? On Holly's case?"**

**"They pissed me off. Wouldn't move their asses. Barry's a good officer but he's got a jerk for a partner." _I've always been lucky with partners, even fell in love with one of them._**

**"And you of course are being as sweet as pie?"**

**Logan rolled a shoulder. "I roughed him up a bit."**

**"Oh, Mike…"**

**Logan shook his head as Pete offered to refill his glass. "He's an asshole, Carolyn. More interested in what my relationship with Holly was than what the killer was about."**

**"He thought you had a relationship with her?"**

**Logan heard the doubt creep into her voice, but shrugged off its warning. "It's the only thing he thinks it's about. The ex-husband was no better."**

**"You spoke to her husband?"**

**"Yeah, I arrested him. He did it, or drove her to do it. It's one and the same…"**

**"The husband thought you and Holly—?"**

**Logan looked heavenward, seeing, too late, where this was going. "Yeah, crazy…"**

**"Not so crazy. Mike... _Was _there something? You seemed pretty cut up."**

**_Here it comes. _"Carolyn, I already told you—"**

**"I know what you told me. You weren't… tempted, were you?"**

**"Tempted?" _Play it dumb, man._ "Whaddya mean?"**

**"To…be with her…"**

**Logan's defenses crumbled. He couldn't lie to her. "Ah, shit…"**

**"Mike…"**

**Knowing it was not only too late but futile, he still tried. "Carolyn, leave it, will ya?"**

**"_Mike!_"**

**He sighed noisily. "I…kissed her. Okay? I didn't mean for it to happen… We were…"**

**"Oh, God! What am I supposed to think?" Her voice, loud in his ear, was brimming with hurt anger. "Am I supposed to be glad she died? If she hadn't, you would eventually—"**

**"No! That wouldn't happen!" Logan let Carolyn's accusations pass by him. He'd encountered it before, with other women. He just had to weather it.**

**"I wish I could believe that, Mike. Let me….let me think about this."**

**"There's nothing to think—" _You're talking to a woman here, Logan. She'll think it to death before she gets back to you. _"Okay, okay. Just don't hang up on me."**

**"I won't do that, but you better tell me when and where and why… real fast, Mike."**

**oOo**

**Logan hung up the phone, more mentally drained than physically. He had worked hard to appease Carolyn. It was obvious she was still mad at him, but she was giving him the benefit of the doubt until she saw him again. He had to agree with her final observation — explanations across a wireless network weren't conducive to working through a misunderstanding.**

**He didn't blame her, but hell, he just didn't need the grief right now.**

**At least her call had prevented a hang-over the next day.**

**Tracing his steps back to his apartment, Logan hoped he would sleep like the dead tonight. Forgoing a shower, he stripped and threw himself on the bed and flapped an arm over his forehead.**

**He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but couldn't forget how hurt Carolyn had been. How he heard it in her voice and heard how desperately she tried to conceal it.**

**_You're a bastard, Logan. A__n A-grade bastard._**

**Dragging himself from the bed, he reached for his cell and, disregarding the time, called her back.**

**"Hello." Her voice was flat and uninterested.**

**Logan cringed. A one word greeting from her was very un-Carolynesque.**

**"You're not sleeping?" he asked tentatively.**

**"Not any more…"**

**"I…uh…hell, I'm sor—"**

**"I just got out of the shower, Mike. What is it?" Now he was getting hit with her exasperation.**

**"This stinks, Carolyn…"**

**"What? Calling me back at after two a.m.? Or kissing another woman?"**

**Logan squeezed his eyes over the jibe, knowing he deserved it.**

**"Me here, you there…stinks."**

**"Well, I can't do anything about that, so I'm going—"**

**"_I _can," he said quickly before she could hang up on him. "I can do something about it. What're ya wearin', babe?"**

**"What am I—? What's that got to do with anything?"**

**At least he got rid of the exasperation to have it now replaced with indignation.**

**He sighed, and repeated his question, more slowly and with just a shade of steel. "What are you wearing?"**

**"A hotel bathrobe. I just got out of the shower. What—?"**

**"I'm gonna take it off you, babe," he said quietly, steel gone, rich molasses flowing through instead.**

**"You're what!?"**

**"I'm undoing the belt, babe. The ends are sliding through my fingers and the belt ends are dropping. Your robe falls open and…Holy Mother…you're still damp from your shower. The moisture…shines on that lovely… coffee velvet skin… of yours…"**

**"Mike? What are you—?"**

**Logan soldiered on. "There's a little drop of moisture…right there…in your belly button. I'm gonnna have to lick it up, babe."**

**"Miiike…stop this…you can't—"**

**"My lips are on your stomach, babe. My tongue's swirling around your belly button and darts… in… to scoop up that water…"**

**"Ah… this is crazy—"**

**Crazy, yes, but he was rolling with it. "My mouth's… slidin' down, babe. You're still damp… down there too. Very… damp. Very… wet… My tongue's… lappin' it up. God, you taste good."**

**"Unnnnh, Miiiike. I gotta…gotta sit down."**

**"Go sit on the sofa, babe. You goin'? Get comfortable. That's right. Put your head on a pillow, wriggle your back onto the big cushions. You on your back, babe?"**

**"My _back!?"_**

**"Yeah, your back. Do it, babe. You there? You lyin' down?"**

**"Yeah…yeah."**

**"Now draw your legs up onto the cushions too. Put one ankle up over the sofa back…"**

**He heard her give a nervous giggle. "I feel…so…exposed, Mike."**

**"There's no one there," he said hurriedly. "Just you…and me."**

**"All…all right. This is ridiculous."**

**"Really? What's ridiculous about this bod poised over you? Can you see me, babe? I'm standing beside the sofa… lookin' down at you… at your beautiful body lyin' there… The robe's at your sides… your breasts are peekin' out of the folds…now they're jumpin' around. You're pantin', babe. You pantin' for me?"**

**"Oh, yes, hon…for you…"**

**"Good. Good. I see that little birthmark at your waist. That looks like a bell? I used to tease you about it. Said you got a tattoo, and you denied it."**

**"It's not—"**

**"Yeah, yeah. I'm lookin' at your belly button now, babe… Aw, it's not damp anymore. My tongue took it all…"**

**"Oh, Mike…"**

**"Now I'm lookin' at your hips…so rounded…a perfect fit…for mine…"**

**"Yeah…yesssss."**

**"And now…I…am…lookin' there…between your legs…still damp…is that from your shower, babe? Or…my mouth…"**

**"Your mou— Uh, the shower. The shower."**

**"Maybe. I'm leanin' in babe, I'm gonna kiss your sweet lips, feel your mouth on mi—"**

**"Mike! What are _you_ wearing?"**

**He chuckled. "Me? Why nothin'. Nothin' at all."**

**"Slut!"**

**"I know. I was born that way. Your lips are so soft, Carolyn... I'm gonna drink 'em dry. Let my tongue in, babe… Don't play hard to get."**

**"I won't…unhhh… I love your kisses, Mikey…"**

**"Give me your tongue…ah, yeah… you're a good kisser too… My mouth's on the move, babe—"**

**"It always is, hon…"**

**"Hehe.. You're right. My lips are on your throat… I can feel that pulse…it's jumpin' all over the place… You're really feelin' this, aren't you?"**

**"Yes….yessss!"**

**"The tip of my tongue's tastin' you, babe. You're so sweet…"**

**"I can feel it!"**

**"Down your throat…down…down… God! Your breasts…they're so beautiful…they're hot and givin'…my tongue's draggin' at 'em…rollin' and pullin'…they're respondin' to their daddy, babe…they love this…"**

**"Yes! Yes they do!"**

**"I'm gonna take a little nip of one. Just a gentle—"**

**"Unnnnh, Miiiiike. I can't stand this. I can't—"**

**"No, babe, you can. You can take a lot more. I'm gonna give you a lot…" He cleared his throat. "…more."**

**This was driving Logan crazy. His body was engorged, pushing all the blood back up to his head. His temples were pounding, but he intended to make sure Carolyn forgot all the men in Greensboro and remember what was waiting for her at home.**

**"I'm after your little bell birthmark. I'm kissin' it now, babe. Can you feel my lips on your waist?"**

**He heard a long drawn out sigh at the other end of the connection. "Yeah…"**

**"My hands want some action now. They've found those glorious breasts…so soft…my palms are rollin' over 'em…your hard nipples are bouncin' under 'em… my fingers are teasin' them…"**

**"Eeee….ahhh. I'm squirmin' here, Mike. God! I'm as wet as—"**

**"I know, babe. Man, you are wet. My mouth's skippin' over your stomach…a little dart of the tongue in that belly button of yours…my little well…oh, God, babe… your scent's all over me….it's drawin' me down. Down to that wetness. I gotta go down, babe… I gotta—"**

**"_Oh…O…kay_…"**

**Logan smiled through his own discomfort. Carolyn sounded as if she could barely talk.**

**"God, Carolyn. The sight of you. Legs spread like that. For me. You're killin' me, babe. I….I'm down there. It…it sure is wet."**

**"_Wet…for…you._"**

**Logan chuckled. She had to be biting the words through her teeth, they sounded so strained. He was dredging up all the self-control he had to keep his own voice on an even keel, but it was costing him. His heart was racing against his chest. He was going to have a heart attack if he didn't finish up soon.**

**"I'm pushin' through the curls… Mmmmm, you smell so good…. Ahhhh…. You _taste_ even better…. Feel my tongue there, Carolyn? It's a little rough…but you like a little…rough… My teeth are pushin' against you…a little rub…a little push…my tongue is itchin' to thrust into—"**

**"Wheeeeee….ahhhhh. Miiiiiiiiiiikeeeeee!"**

**Logan snatched the phone away too late. His ear was ringing with her scream, but he grinned through the minor setback.**

_**Bull's-eye**_

**He changed his phone over to the other ear.**

**"_Unnnnh…unnh…aahhh….M…Mike! M…Mike?"_**

**"I'm here, babe."**

**"I….I…h…have…n…never…_never_….done that….before."**

**He blinked, his brows up. "Never?"**

**"N…never."**

**"You're seriously missin' out, babe."**

**"T…tell me…about it."**

**"Well, if you want more—"**

**"_No! _No. My heart's still getting over this one. I'll…I'll call you tomorrow."**

**"You do that, babe."**

**"I'll…ahhh… Don't think this…has let you off the hook…"**

**She's a tough nut, he thought, shaking his head. "I don't. I'll stay on the line 'til you're in bed. You go lie down. I'm still here."**

**"I'm…going…Mmmmm, I'm on the bed. I wish you were here, Mike."**

**"Me too, babe. G'night."**

**"'Night, hon."**

**Logan heard her give a huge sigh then smiled as he cut the connection. Thumbing through the photos on his cell phone, he came to his favorite…Carolyn stretched out on her bed, arms and legs bent, asleep, unaware she was being photographed and completely naked.**

**He smiled at her likeness and found himself with his hand.**

**oOo**

_**Don't gross out. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.**_

_**And this wasn't even the 'M' chapter. That's coming up next. Stay tuned.**_


	9. Chapter 9

**"No Going Back"**

**_Copyright 2008__ Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six _"_Renewal_"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**_A/N: I want to acknowledge the excellence of the writers of LOCI here, specifically those that wrote "Renewal" — Warren Leight and __Jacquelyn Reingold__, Excerpts of the dialogue in this story ARE from their script, but I have not borrowed their words because I can't find words of my own, but instead, I have preferred to not mangle the scenes they originally wrote, just embellish them. I hope that the writers and creators of these characters understand that fanfic writers are not demeaning their work by reusing it, but offering their homage and appreciation to these people for giving us such wonderful television moments._**

**oOo**

**Chapter Nine**

**After seeing Wheeler off at the elevator of OnePP, Logan headed down the corridor toward the bullpen with a springier step. Wheeler was coming back, he was certain of it, Carolyn would be home early tomorrow when he could make it up to her properly, and Shaw was behind bars, hopefully thinking hard about where his brutality had landed him.**

**Logan headed toward the holding cells now, eager to see the man who had made Holly's life hell, brought low, caged like the animal he was. Checking the last cell, he did a double-take when he saw it empty.**

_**What the—?**_

**He hurried back up the line of cells, rechecking the occupants, but there was no sign of Shaw. Threading his way through the desks in the bullpen to Ross' office, he opened his Captain's door with barely a knock.**

**"Where's Julian? He's not in the holding cell."**

**Hands in pockets, Ross seemed unperturbed by the discovery. "We had to release him."**

**"_What?!"_**

**"The D.A.'s call. There was no evidence. Of anything."**

**_No evidence?! Shit! _Boyd had seen… Holly packaged up the sheets...**

**Confusion exploded into anger. "Look, he took a swing at me!" Logan bellowed, and Ross' composure slipped. Luckily for Logan's rein on his temper, he forwent a response. "What about the M.E.'s report?"**

**Picking his words carefully, Ross kept his voice on an even keel. "The D.A. said an episode of hypertension is not proof… of murder. And your voyeur confirmed that she was alone on the roof."**

**Logan held a hand to his throbbing temples.**

**"This woman gave up her whole life to get away from that prick!" Logan insisted. Against Ross' calm, Logan was out of his skin with righteous anger.**

**"I understand."**

**"Yeah, well, he tracked her down and _raped_ her!" Of that, Logan was sure.**

**"Then he left."**

**Logan stilled at the logic of Ross' statement. Working through the facts and his recognition of the bully in Shaw, Logan had to see Ross' point. They didn't have a murder case. And there was no one to file a rape charge.**

_**Fuck! The irony of it.**_

**"Well…" he nodded wearily. "… she must've thought she could never get away….ever." Resigning himself to a new insight into Holly's state of mind, he began to accept her suicide. "That's why she jumped."**

**His emotions reeling from the thought, Logan's mind began to come to terms with it, thinking hard. "Yeah…" He turned back to Ross but didn't know what to say. He saw the patience in his Captain's face, the understanding, even the willingness to further listen, but Logan had enough. He was prepared to put it to rest, or, at the very least, start the process. He turned for the door.**

**"How well did you know her?" Ross asked.**

**Logan stopped and turned.**

**How well? Hardly at all. He didn't want to tell Ross he had known her for less than two days. That would have belittled the connection they had made so quickly and he couldn't begin to describe the surprising depth of their bond. Instead, he decided the share the moment when he defined 'happiness' for Holly.**

**"We took a ride in an old convertible once."**

**Not wanting to explain further, Logan left Ross' office and closed the door.**

**oOo**

**Back at his desk, Logan found that Wheeler had left the Kenny Li file on his desk in plain sight. He still had to personally sign off on it, so now seemed as good a time as any. Taking a deep breath to dissipate the shreds of his anger, he opened the cover and began to read.**

**The words were familiar — some of the procedure was his, other insights were Wheeler's — but he couldn't make sense of any of it. Instead, he saw snatches of events — his holding Shaw against the wall, his gun to the man's head; Holly with her hands on the bar table, eyes down, hiding her pain; Carolyn sitting cross-legged on his chair, her mouth inviting him to…**

**Slapping the file shut, he knew he had to abandon the task, unable to do it justice. His concentration was too erratic. Looking around at the other desks, he saw Eames at hers, her head bent over a file, hair loosely hanging to hide her face.**

_**What did he have to lose? **_

**Pushing himself away from his desk, Logan sauntered over.**

**"Hey…"**

**Eames looked up, flicking her hair away from her face, the characteristic action that would reveal her mood. Determined? Annoyed? Interested?**

**"Logan…" Today it was… indifferent.**

**Looking for something to say, Logan peered at the open file in front of her but didn't recognize the case, so he opted for home ground. "Thanks for helping out with the Kenny Li case."**

**Eames nodded, but said nothing.**

**Feeling daring, Logan persevered. "How's your partner?"**

**Eames' indifference sloughed into a passing shade across her face. "Not good."**

**Logan stuffed his hands into his pockets and nodded in understanding. "Losing your mother like that…if you were attached to her…"**

**"It's more than that…" Her face contorted into a mask of powerlessness.**

**Logan wanted to help, but didn't know how. "Wanna talk about it?" he asked, feeling inadequate.**

**"Can't. I don't _know_ about it." Eames put her palms flat on the desk and pushed her chair away to turn to him, staring at him with defiance. "Bobby's not the world's biggest confider, ya know."**

**Logan nodded and backed away. He was stepping on toes and he was not courageous enough to take on Eames' protecting her own.**

**Turning away for his own desk, her next words halted him.**

**"So you're without a partner now too?"**

**The olive branch was being held out, and Logan wasn't fool enough to not take it.**

**He turned back. "Yeah, I can't seem to hang on to 'em."**

**"You hung onto Carolyn." Eames' eyes were flat, without sparkle and Logan wondered what had happened to take the joy out of her.**

**He lifted a shoulder. "So well she's been away all week."**

**The first semblance of a smile lifted Eames' mouth. "How're you handling that?"**

**Logan made the decision to be honest with her. He knew the two women had kept in touch since Carolyn's transfer and any prevarication from him could be misinterpreted and relayed back, however innocent.**

**"Not good," he said. "I hate it. I'm not gonna let her do it again."**

**They were empty words. He knew he couldn't, and wouldn't stop her from doing what she wanted to do, but the declaration gave him some semblance of power.**

**"You can't stop her, Logan."**

**Eames took him seriously, so he needed to lighten the moment. "Hehe…I can threaten to cut off her supply…"**

**"That's not what I heard."**

**Expecting the usual deprecating come-back to an obviously outlandish statement, Eames' knowledgeable look threw him.**

**"Whaddya mean?"**

**"I heard you introduced her to a new activity on the phone last night." Eames gave him a sideways glance. "She liked it so much, she's gonna call you again tonight. If you make it too good, Logan, she won't need to come back and put up with the grief of havin' to live with you as well."**

**Logan's jaw dropped. He wasn't sure if he was more shocked by Eames' observation or by the knowledge Carolyn had told Alex about their phone sex.**

**He beat a hasty retreat. "I think…I heard Ross calling me…"**

**oOo**

**Back at _Peter J's_ that night for one last drink before closing up his old apartment and returning to Carolyn's, Logan discouraged small talk from Pete, preferring to nurse a scotch while he let his mind wander at random.**

**His anticipation of Carolyn's return tomorrow was sombered by the memory of Kathleen Shaw. He would have to think of her as Kathleen now. Holly Lauren never really existed. The tortured soul looking for peace had reached out to him but, instead, found the end of her tether and couldn't continue the battle.**

_**Ah, shit, Holly. I'm sorry.**_

_**I'm not dead, Mike. I'm not dead.**_

**Logan looked up, jarred from his thoughts, but, by what, he wasn't sure. Pete's windows needed cleaning, but he could still see through their opaqueness to the lamp-lit street beyond. Cars rolled by, a pedestrian or two and…**

**"… Holly?" Dressed in the white robe and gown of the night she died, her saddened face was framed by a hazy window pane.**

**A bar patron walked past the window, blocking Logan's line of vision. He blinked… and she was gone.**

_**The victims. The dead… they don't haunt you?**_

**"They do now, Kathleen," Logan whispered. "They do now."**

**oOo**

**_tbc… __This is such a poignant moment, I couldn't sully it with an 'M' section. Up next, sorry._**


	10. Chapter 10

**"No Going Back"**

_**Copyright 2008 Penn O'Hara**_

_**M**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

_**LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six **_**"**_**Renewal**_**"**

_**My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Ten**

**Lounging in a seat in the Delta Airlines Terminal at JFK Airport, Logan forced his hands to be still on the armrests, pretending to be indifferent to the imminent arrival of Carolyn's party, when he was really a mess of taut nerves and pathetic eagerness. Keeping his shoulders and neck slumped, his eyes scanned every face that walked toward him for a sign of her.**

**As he saw Bradshaw precede Carolyn into the waiting area, Logan rolled to his feet to draw her attention to his presence, putting his shaking hands in his pockets. She was obviously still on the job, wearing a dark suit, high-heeled, enclosed shoes and her hair in that French knot thing.**

**Seeing him, Carolyn pushed past Bradshaw and strode toward him, the line of her mouth straight.**

_**Ah, shit. I'm dead meat. **_

**Last night he had been more creative with the phone sex and she seemed to appreciate it — even asked for more this time — but it was obvious she still hadn't forgiven him for that wayward kiss. He braced himself for the tirade. Maybe **_**she'd**_** get creative and give it to him in Polish or Yiddish or some other damned language.**

**As she got closer, she swung her overnight bag from her shoulder, and Logan's eyes widened as he saw it coming for him. **_**Shit! **_**She was going to attack him in public!**

**Getting ready to duck it, he was surprised when it dropped at his feet. Still eyeing the bag, he was unprepared when Carolyn wrapped her arms around his neck and dragged his mouth down to meet hers.**

**Shocked by the ferocity of her passion, Logan held her gingerly but went with the tide, accepting the kiss and returning it with enthusiasm. His blood started to fire and his body stirred as the kiss rocked him to the groin. He didn't know where it would have ended, but could guess, until Bradshaw separated them with a disapproving clearing of his throat.**

"**Barek," the Chief muttered.**

"**Am I on duty or off, sir?" she asked, leaning back from Logan slightly and giving Bradshaw a challenging backward glance.**

**Bradshaw frowned, his mouth opening and closing, then he turned away. "I'll see you in the office, Monday. Early," he warned.**

**Carolyn smiled sweetly then turned back to Logan. "He doesn't like you."**

**Logan grinned foolishly, his head still spinning from her kiss. "I know. That…show… wouldn't have helped."**

**Her arms loosely balanced around his neck, Carolyn's eyes bored into his, serious and direct. "I know she's dead and it was a tragedy, so call me a bitch, Mike, but I needed to replace the feel of her mouth on yours—"**

"**It's okay, Carolyn. I was a jerk."**

**Her eyes darted around his face, seeking a crack he couldn't afford to show. "Despite your explanation the other night, I have no real idea why you were kissing another woman, so tell me now, if I ever…**_**ever…**_** gave you the impression I was willing to share you."**

"**Hell, no. It wasn't like—"**

"**That's what they all say, Mike. And a woman never believes it, so shut up while you're ahead."**

**Logan snapped his lips closed.**

"**There's no going back to your old ways," she said, not finished with her lecture. "I love you, Mike Logan, and I am **_**not**_** going to share you with another woman, is that clear?"**

**He nodded meekly. "Clear."**

"**Well?"**

**He knew what she wanted to hear, and it was getting easier and easier to say it each time. "I love you, too."**

"**Now take me home and we'll talk about your indiscretion some more." She turned her back on him and left the overnight bag at his feet, obviously expecting him to pick it up.**

**Logan cringed. He wasn't off the hook yet. Scanning the airport terminal desperately, he saw the Crown Club VIP Customer lounge about twenty yards away. His eyes narrowed, thinking, planning and an idea formed. Scooping up her overnight bag, he threw it over his shoulder and dragged out his handcuffs. He caught up with Carolyn, grabbed her arm and cuffed her wrist.**

**He was going to have move fast else it would all blow up in his face.**

"**What the—?"**

"**Humor me," he pleaded, grabbing her other wrist and slickly cuffing it in front of her.**

"**Are you **_**kidding?! Mike!"**_

**He hurriedly ushered her toward the glass doors of the Crown Club. They automatically opened and he pushed her in.**

**A chic Delta Airlines employee approached them quickly, frowning. "Excuse me, but are you a member—?"**

**Logan pulled out his badge, held it in front of her nose and began to talk fast. "I'm a police officer, Miss…" He squinted at her name badge. "… Turo. I've accompanied a felon extradited from North Carolina and I'm waiting for my colleagues to collect us. My prisoner is dangerous and unpredictable and I need somewhere to detain her. For the safety of the public, can this area be secured temporarily?"**

**He frowned hard, making sure she got the impression he was serious and fully expecting her co-operation.**

"**I can lock it…" The attendant eyed Carolyn warily.**

"**I suggest you do that when you leave." He scanned the room, finding a man in a suit working on his laptop, a bartender stacking glasses and an elderly couple whose clothes dripped wealth sitting on the large cushions of one of the room's sofas.**

"**And take those people with you."**

**He jerked a chin at Carolyn, held firmly to his side. A combination of the warmth of her body scorching his and the thought of what he was planning clawed at his groin. **_**Holy Mother— He wanted her**_

"**I don't want them threatened in any way," he warned.**

"**But—" Turo hadn't moved.**

**Carolyn screamed something at the woman in a language Logan didn't recognize and the attendant jumped back, a hand to her throat.**

_**Attagirl, Carolyn! **_**She was in for the game, or at the very least, giving him the benefit of the doubt.**

**Turo wheeled around and gathered up her passengers and the bartender, shepherding them out of the room with the slick efficiency he expected from a professional. Turning back, she looked to Logan for further instructions.**

"**You can stay at the doors outside to prevent anyone … I mean, **_**anyone, **_**including you… from entering unless my colleagues arrive and they show their badges."**

"**I…Is this necessary?" Turo asked, unconvinced. "She doesn't look very… dangerous."**

**Logan gave Carolyn a glance of disapproval and Carolyn obediently adopted a fiercer look.**

"**She's very volatile," he said. "Mild one minute, a serial killer the next."**

**The attendant gasped, then retreated, securing the glass doors behind her with an electronic click.**

**Carolyn rounded on Logan. "What the **_**hell**_** was that about? I 'humored' you, now tell me—"**

**He pulled her into his arms and kissed her, putting every ounce of expertise he'd acquired, every coal of passion within him, into it. She struggled against him, fighting him then relaxed, struggled again, twisting, then relaxed again. Her body warring with his, excited his blood, heating it, lending power to his arms, hunger to his lips. He kept kissing her until she started kissing him back. Only then did he loosen his grip, but not completely.**

**Scooping her up against his chest, he carried her over to one of the sofas and laid her down upon it, guiding her cuffed wrists above her head and following her down. Holding her wrists there with one hand, he thrust his face into her neck, raining kisses on her skin, breathing in her scent, going wild with the moment.**

**Carolyn stopped struggling and whimpered into his ear. Her chest heaved under him, body squirming under his, firing him more, as she slipped her hips under his. She tried to get her hands down, but he held her fast, his other hand slipping under her coat to find a soft breast to stroke.**

"**Ah, shit, Carolyn," he growled, lifting his head. "You're not wearing a bra."**

"**I…didn't think… Bradshaw would notice, but…I…ah…knew you would."**

"**Fuckin' hell, yes!" Logan popped two buttons on her shirt and slid his mouth across her skin, taking in a breast greedily. His body surged, blood pounding. There was no way she would get much finesse from him the first time, but there was always a second time.**

**His fingers kept popping buttons until he reached the waistband of her skirt. Her hips lifted automatically and his hand scooped up its hem to find her panties.**

"_**A thong?!" **_**he groaned.**_** "**_**Jesus Christ! You're not givin' me many challenges here, babe."**

"**I was…uh… planning on showing them off… when we got home…not… **_**if **_**… we got home."**

**Carolyn was panting fast and he reveled in her loss of self-control. He drew her breast into his mouth, rolling his tongue around the nipple and sucking hard. She bucked under him, her movements rubbing his body through his clothes and making him ache painfully.**

"**This is gonna be a quick one, babe. I want you too badly—"**

"**God, Mike, yesss! What's keepin' you?"**

"**Hussy," he smiled and unzipped his pants. Pushing aside her lacy sliver of underwear, he pressed against her. She immediately pushed down on him, and his body leaped at the invitation. Gritting his teeth, eyes squeezed shut, he pulled back. "Not… that fast… babe," he gasped. "There's such a thing as **_**too**_** eager."**

"_**You're**_** the one…that should be… eager to please…**_**ooof…**_**"**

**He silenced her with his mouth on her other breast, giving it a playful tug and a gentle nip. His hand teased the first one, keeping it interested and pushing at him. She was a contradiction of giving flesh and hard thrusts toward him, demanding his attention. He felt her wetness against him, drawing him in and he couldn't fight it any longer.**

**He slid into her, going home, physically finding his safe harbor, mentally meeting his equal, spiritually melding with his other half.**

"**That feels…" she breathed, "…so good."**

**Logan sunk himself into her and braced himself on his elbows as her muscles embraced him, sending power surging through his veins, rushing to conquer. He could barely breathe; he was going to explode and he prayed he could hold on long enough to satisfy her. If she moved, he would be a goner.**

"**Don't…move…" he gasped, his chin stretching to the ceiling to find willpower from above.**

"**You baby!" she laughed, and rocked underneath him.**

**Logan's body pulsed and pounded, his blood thick and hot, muscles liquefying while his core was drawn into her and lost.**

"_**Geezus!**_**" he yelled. His control slipping, he powered into her, hips refusing to obey a frazzled brain demanding they stop before it was too late. Carolyn was writhing under him, yelling at him, biting at his neck but he was beyond helping her. His needs were too great, the command this woman had over him and his body, too immense a force to fight.**

**Desperate, he threw his weight to his right, rolling with her, but they ran out of sofa. Crashing to the floor, he took the brunt of the fall, his elbow knocking painfully against a magazine table. Just the shock he needed to get himself together.**

**Carolyn pushed herself up onto his hips in triumph. She placed her cuffed hands onto his chest and leaned into him, taunting him with her bare breasts and lascivious smile.**

"**I'm in charge now," she crowed, rearranging their clothes, wrists linked. Poising herself above him, she pushed down hard.**

**He grunted but held it together, his body back in command. Grinning happily, he held her rocking hips and basked in the sight of her flushed face and bouncing breasts, immersed himself in her wet heat and swung with her rhythm.**

"**Go, Mikey boy!" she laughed.**

"**I'm with you, babe," he laughed back.**

**She looped her cuffed hands under his neck and dragged his face up to hers. Devouring him with her mouth, he held his own, thrusting his tongue onto hers. Her gasps into his mouth became whimpers, strengthening to tight groans and a scream, captured in her throat, heralded her release.**

**Rolling again, Logan nestled her against the edge of the sofa and thrust once more. Her body froze, locked and she screamed into his ear but he was used to that, and, expecting it, was able to endure it. Fastening his mouth over her accompanying cries, he powered home and gave up his energy, feeling her drain him with ripples of ecstasy.**

**His body trembled, shoulders heaving, elbows barely able to support him. His mouth continued to battle with her kisses, each of them unable to stop the hungering.**

**oOo**

**Logan blinked at the overhead lights, his neck beginning to crick where it lay against the back of the sofa. Carolyn stirred against his side and he moved slightly on the cushion to accommodate her rearranging her limbs, lifting his aching neck and rubbing at it.**

"**I'd better get some clothes on," he murmured without enthusiasm, eyeing his shirt tossed on the overhead lamp. "I hope you didn't rip my shirt."**

**He checked that his pants were still strewn across the sofa behind him and his boxers were wedged underneath Carolyn who was semi-dressed, sans skirt. His coat was on the floor, and probably creased after his Polish wildcat rolled on it during their third…**

**Carolyn grunted and held up her wrists. "How about **_**uncuffing**_** me first, flyboy!"**

**oOo**

_**Finis.**_

_**My job is done. **_

_**I hope you enjoyed the ride. This is what a sleepless night does for you.**_


End file.
